What do Iris Robinson and IKEA have in common?

1 dodgy screw and the whole cabinet falls apart, wakka wakka wakka

A friend of mine has a butler who lost his left arm. Serves him right!!!


Tim Vine. Hero.

Whats Iris Robinson and Ikea got in common?


one bad screw and the whole cabinet falls apart!

Give it a minute to load its a bit slow, dunno why.

What is it? its takin too long!

Liverpool......

its just a bad patch shane, we'l come good

Is that not the joke?

Bloke walks into a bar with a girrafe, orders a pint and the girrafe collapses on the floor!

Barman says, "ye cant leave that lying there like that"


Bloke says, "its not a lion its a girrafe"!

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual, soft boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the tshirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly "your going to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and i thought "I am either still dreaming or this is my lucky day!" Not wanting to loose a moment i embraced her and then gave it my all right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said "Thanks" and returned to the stove, tshirt still around her neck.

Happy but a little puzzled, I asked "what was that all about?" She explained "the egg timer is broken"


Im here all week

Hahaha...classic

boy sees his mother in the bath, goes to his father and asks..

son: "daddy whats that hairy patch between mommys legs?"
dad: "thats her vagina son"
son: "ok, if thats the case where is her c*nt?"
dad: "ahhh son, thats the rest of her"

A woman comes home to find her man blowdrying his member.
She says "What the hell are you doing?"
He answers , "Heating up your dinner"

The phone rings. The lady of the house answers, “Yes?”

“Mrs. Ward, please.”
“Speaking”
“Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your Doctor sent your husband’s samples to the lab, the samples from another Mr. Ward was sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your husband’s. Frankly, it is either bad or terrible.”

“What do you mean?” Mrs. Ward asks.
“Well, one Mr. Ward has tested positive for Alzheimer’s disease! (related to memory) and the other for AIDS. We can’t tell which your husband’s is”

“That’s terrible! Can we do the test over?” questions Mrs.. Ward.

“Normally, yes. But Medicare won’t pay for these expensive tests more than once.”
“Well, what am I supposed to do now?”

“The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don’t sleep with him”.

For his last birthday Stevie Wonder was given a cheese grater by a close friend, he claims it was the best book he ever read...

An 80yr old man decides to have is wife killed, he manages to track down an assassin. The assassin says, "no problem I'll make it a clean head shot", the old man replies "NO!, in case you miss!", "right" says the assassin, "I'll go for the heart, I'll aim just below her left nipple to be sure", the old man replies, "dear god, no! I want her dead not knee capped!"

A family are driving behind a dustcart when a dildo flies out and hits their windscreen. Embarrassed and to protect her young sons innocence, the woman says it was an insect, to which one of the boys replied "I'm surprised it can fly with a cock like that!"

Tommy ran home from school and could not wait to break his good news. "Mum Mum!' he yelled "i had sex with my geography teacher today!, Dad dad guess what!, i had sex with my geography teacher" The father replied "I'm proud of you son!" much to his mothers disbelief, the dad replied "You are now old enough to ride your brothers bike", Tommys face dropped with disappointment, then softly replied...


"I can't, My arse hurts!"

Hill billy comes home from the doctor one day dressed in a new suit, brief case in hand with a big smile and chest out,

Wife says Cletus why you dressed up like that!

Cletus says

Doctor says i is impotent so i's got to dresss impotent!

Yes it is!

Did you hear about the gay woodworm.........he ate the knob off the door.

A little girl jumps on Santa's lap:

Girl: "For Christmas, I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe."

Santa: "Don't you know Barbie comes with Ken?"

Girl: "Oh no Santa, Barbie fakes it with Ken, she cums with G.I. Joe."

A woman posts an ad in the newspaper that looks like this… “Looking for man with these qualifications: won’t beat me up, or run away from me, and is great in bed.”

She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but one in particular stood out.

After giving the man her address, he came to her house. She opening the door for him and the man said, “Hi, I’m Bob. I have no arms so I won’t beat you up and no legs so I won’t run away.”

So the lady says, “What makes you think you are great in bed?”

Bob replies, “I rang the door bell didn’t I?”

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. He walks over to her and she greets him warmly. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t figure out where he knows her from. So he says, “Do you know me?” To which she replies, “I think you’re the father of one of my kids.” His mind races back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, “Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I had sex with on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my ass with wet celery?” She looks into his eyes and says calmly, “No, I’m your son’s teacher.”

The wife says to me last night, Why don't we make love like they do in the films?

So i bent her over the table, fucked her up the arse, then jizzed all over her tits!

It turns out we don't watch the same films

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect girls getaway trip - shopping, casinos, massages, facials.
Two days before the group is to leave Mary's husband puts his foot down and tells her she isn't going.

Mary's friends are very upset that she can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the hotel only to find Mary sitting in the bar drinking a glass of wine.
"Wow, how long you been here and how did you talk your husband into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since last night........... Yesterday evening I was
sitting on the couch and my husband came up behind me and put his hands over my eyes and said 'Guess who'?"

I pulled his hands off to find all he was wearing was his birthday suit. He took my hand and lead me to our bedroom... The room was scented with perfume, had two dozen candles and rose pedals all over............On the bed, he had handcuffs and ropes! He told me to tie and cuff him to the bed, so I did. And then he said, "Now, you can do whatever you want."

So here I am.

A man with no arms or legs is sunbathing on the beach. He is approached by three beautiful young women who take pity on him.
The first says to him, "Have you ever been hugged?"
The man shakes his head, and she leans down and gives him a hug. The second says to him, "Have you ever been kissed?"
He shakes his head. She kisses him.
Rather abruptly, the third girl asks, "Have you ever been fucked?"
"No," says the man, his eyes lighting up.
"Well, you are now, The tide's coming in.

Paddy was messing about with a woman in his car. The woman said "Kiss me where it's wet!"

So Paddy started the car and drove her to Mayo.

When a girl goes out drinking with her friends and doesn't come home, her boyfriend calls all her friends, nobody's seen her. Everyone is worried and the search begins.


When a guy goes out on the beer and doesn't come home, his girlfriend calls all his friends looking for him. 8 of his friends say he slept at theirs lastnight and 3 insist he's still there!

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag.
He sits down and places the bag on the counter


A man walks into a bar with a paper bag.
He sits down and places the bag on the counter.


The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.
The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.

The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!
'Where on earth did you get that?' says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: 'Here. Rub it.'

So the bartender rubs the lamp. Suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him.
'I will grant you one wish. Just one wish ~ each person is only allowed one!'
The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, 'I want a million bucks!'


A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another and another........
Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, 'You know, I think your genie's a little deaf.'
'I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.'
'Tell me about it!!' says the man, 'do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?'

Q: Why are pirates angry?



A: They just Arghhhhhh!



Q: Why do elephants have Big ears?



A: Because Noddy wouldn't pay the ransome!

Whats the difference between jam and marmalade?

You can't marmalade your cock in a birds mouth.

Im crap at telling jokes so I'l let this man do it for me....Frankie Boyle

whats the diff between tiger woods and santa




santa only has 3 ho's

man brings his kid to the zoo and went to the lions cage
kid sez what are they doing daddy
dad sez makin cakes

they went to the bears cage

kid sez what are they doin
dad sez makin cakes

so the next mornin kid comes down stairs and sez mammy daddy i know u wer makin cakes last night coz i licked the icein off the couch

thats just wrong!!!


What do you call cheese that is not your's?

Nacho Cheese!!!!!!!!!!!!!

what did the man say to the paedophile at the beach?



Get out of my son!

Chelsea wherever you may be
Don't leave your wife with John Terry
His Dad deals coke
And his Mum steals tea
He cried when he missed a penalty.
______________________________________________________
Chelsea wherever you may be
Don't leave your wife with John Terry
He cannot shoot
And he can't ****ing pass
But he'll take your missus up the arse.
___________________________________________________________

Capello's just phoned Wayne Bridge and said, "I've just spoken to JT and he's lost the captain's armband. Do me a favour and have a good look under your bed for me."
__________________________________________________________________

What's brown and kills babies?

John Terry's wallet.
_________________________________________________________

Ashley Cole was caught doing 104mph in a 50mph zone. When questioned by police as to why he was speeding he said, "l've just heard John Terry is parked outside my house."

________________________________________________________________

John Terry after match comments: "I don't know what all the fuss is about. Everyone knows if a full back leaves a hole, it's the job of a centre back to fill it."

_________________________________________________________________

Ann Summers has brought out a new lubricant called KY Terry.

It's designed to help you slip in the box more easily.

There were two irish couples who were suffering in the sex drive department so a doctor recommended they swap partners to spice things up,,after they finished the 2 men turned to each other said that was great i wonder how the women got on!


-----

Did you hear about the gay dwarf? He came out of the cupboard.

------

Went to the zoo at the weekend, there was only 1 animal there, a dog....

It was a Schitzu

-------


A dog is truly a man's best friend.

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

Put your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour.

When you open the boot, who is really happy to see you!?

-------

A man has been shot in Dublin with a starters pistol...

...Gardai believe it was race related.

------

fpmsl

What does D.N.A. stand for?







National Dyslexic Association.






How do you know a gay guy has cooked the barbecue?




The sausages taste like shit.

What do ye call an intelligent knacker???

A thinker


Did you hear about the dyslexic raver??

He went out and took a load of F's


Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp??

He opened up a warehouse

I just broke up with my heitian girlfriend...

she was crushed!



i dont feel bad for the heitians though

the last time i had 40 after-shocks i couldnt find my home either


Seriously though, too soon for these jokes,
we should at least wait until the dust settles

Bad form i know

maggie went to the doctor, she said that in 25 years of marrage she never had a proper orgasam, doc says she is most likely to hot, she should have someone fan her as she has sex.
the next night her husband gets his mate to stand over her and fan her with a towel as he rides her but alas still no orgasam, maggie suggests that the lads switch places and her husbands mate gives her an orgasm that nearly caused her a heart attack to which her husband says 'and that me auld son is how ya shake a fuckin towel '

There once was a couple, Joe and Mary. They led quiet, secluded lives, with not much money but happy none the less.
All of a sudden Joe died, so Mary decides the best way to inform people was to take out an ad in the local paper.
So off she goes into town, and into the newspaper's office....
- I'd like to place an obituary for my husband, how much is it?
- It's 1.50 per word
- OK.... I only have the 5 pound that Joe left in his coat.. so use. "Joe is dead"
meanwhile the paper's editor overheard the poor lady and told her she could have another 3 words for free.

So she wrote - "Joe is dead, Toyota for sale"

Paddy englishman, Paddy Irishman and Paddy Scotsman all were applying for a job with the ESB. The foreman tells them, we only have one place, so whoever can lay the most telephone poles today will have the job.
So off they set for their day's work. That evening they were reporting in the office:
P Englishman: I put up 18 poles
Foreman: That's very good, far above the average
P Scotsman: I put up 23 poles!
F: That's even better! Well done!
P Irishman: I put up 4 poles.
F: 4 poles???!! what in God's name where u at?? Sure your co-workers put up over 10 times that between them!!!
P Irishman: aye, but did u see how far outta the ground they left theirs?!

What does priest stand for ?


Paedophile resident in every small town

I was at a party last night and the DJ played "Oh sit down by James and we all sat down"

He Then Played "Jump Around" so we all jumped around!

Then he put on "Come on Eileen" i got thrown out....