Last night, I put everything I owned on one horse.

It squashed it.

oh sweet mother of god mick

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!"

A magician was driving down the road..then he turned into a drive way...

A woman walks into a record shop and asks the young lad working there, "do you have Jingle Bells on a 7 inch?"
The young lad replies, "no, but i've got jangly balls on a 9 inch!"
"That's not a record is it?" replies the woman
"No, but it's alright for a 16 year old!"

^^^ That is good

What did 1 snowman say to the other?
Can u smell carrots?


Badum tish!
Im here all week guys

^^^Anymore of where they came from

Whats the difference between santa and tiger woods?

Santa only has 3 ho's


Whats the difference between a woman and a batterie?

A batterie has a positive side

French foreplay: Dinner wine sex

Italian foreplay: Dinner wine dancing sex

Latino foreplay: Dinner wine dancing caressing sex

Irish foreplay: Are you awake?

An old man and his grandson went into a bookies, the boys asks the grandfather "can i put a bet on?" the grandfather replies " if can you touch your arse with your dick you can have a bet" i cant says the grandson. "well your not old enough says the grandfather. The boy goes next door and buys a scratch card and wins 50,000, he tels the grandfather to which he suggests spliting it 50/50 "can you touch your arse with your dick says the grandson" "yes shouts the grandfather " "Well go fuck yourself!

Ya Fecker I was gonna post that one
Great one that

A man goes to the doctor and says
'Myself and my wife are not enjoying sex anymore'
The doctor replys
'And what age are you's both'
The man answers
'Im 79 and shes 81'
The doctor now with a shocked face on him replys
'And when did you notice yous were not enjoying sex anymore'
The man answers
'Well twice last night and once this morning'

^^^

A bananna and a vibrator sitting on a counter

Bananna says to the vibrator: "i duno why you are shakin shes gona fucking eat me"

My New Years resolution is to stop using spray on deodorant...........Roll on 2011.

Why can't Brian Cowen take viagra?

Because he'll only get taller!!

^^^ Whats the difference between pussy and your mothers apple pie?
Work it out 4 yerselves lads! Lol

Get out

Rite lads???

what do you call a hooker with a matress on her back?

an owner operator



how many mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

just JUAN


whats the difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist?

you can negotiate with a terrorist



whats the difference between a blonde and a washing machine?

when you drop a load in the washing machine it wont follow you home



im here all week lads

An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree, watching a farmer go by. The owl turns to the squirrel and says nothing, because owls can't talk.
The owl then eats the squirrel because it's a bird of prey.

I've just bought a girls virginity on eBay for €2,500.

Unfortunately for her, 10 of my mates also chipped in.

LOL.

paddy english man paddy irish man and paddy scots man walk into a pub and order 3 pints. when they are served the is a fly floating in each pint.
paddy english says that is disgusting and looks for a fresh pint off the barman. paddy irish man says your a big ponce and takes a big swig out of his pint.
paddy scots man gets up off the stool and says spit it out ya wee bastard... i wont tell yar again!!

FFS LMAO

A man sees his wife watching a cooking shows and asks "why are you watching a cooking show?" you cant even cook!!"
wife answers "you watch porn dont you"


Whats the difference between your job and your wife??
After 5 years your job still sucks


the irony of a blowjob,
even though you've got her on her knees shes got you by the balls


A polarbear walks into a bar and saysto the barman "I'll have a gin and......................................................tonic" Why the big pause? asks the barman. the polarbear looks down at his hands and says " whay do you mean i've always had them


WIFE: hunny i want you to whisper dirty things in my ear
HUSBAND: the kitchen,living room,dining room,patio

3 guys go to a ski lodge but there arent enough rooms so they have to share a bed.
in the middle of the night the guy on the right wakes up and says "i had this wild vivid dream of getting a handjob!"
The guy on the left wakes up and unbelievably,hes had the same dream too.
then the guy in the middke wakes up and says " Tats funny i dreamed i was skiing





i'm just after buying a racehorse i called him My Face
i dont care if he wins races or not, i just want to hear all the posh twats shout "come on my face

Im taken that to the pub with me saturday night

Why do irish men wear 2 condoms..................



To Be Sure, To Be Sure!!

Why do Iraq Women not sleep with americans.

Because they keep saying their going to pull out

A duck was just about to cross the road when a chicken runs up to him and says " i wouldn't do that if i was you mate, you'll never hear the end of it"

Man to new GF: do you smoke after making love?
GF: dunno I've never looked!

What's the best thing about gettin a BJ?
10 mins of silence

Hear about the man that pulled out to avoid a child?
He fell off the sofa & broke his leg..

What's the diff between a pussy & a fridge?
A fridge doesn't fart when you take your meat out of it

I love this thread

A guy text his boss

"whats the difference between working for you and your daughter"

Boss replys

"Dunno"

Guy

"I wont be coming into work this morning"

A Glasgow policeman spots a huge black guy dancing on the roof of a Ford
car.

He radios for backup.
"What's the situation?"

"A big fat darkie is dancing on a car roof."

You can't say that over the radio" replies the operator, "You have to*
use the politically correct terminology"*

OK" he says:

"Zulu....Tango....Sierra"*

Just been to Harvey Nomans looking to buy Grand Theft Auto San Andreas. The girl at the till asked me if i could describe it for her. I told her its about a black guy driving around with an iron bar, crashing cars, rooting whores and evading the police. The stupid bitch gave me Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2011

A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be THE Man of Your House."




He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced,



"From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm done eating my meal, you will serve me a scrumptious dessert.. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want!




Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"




The wife replied, "The fucking funeral director would be my first guess."

Bloke visits hooker.

Bloke: I only has €20
Slapper: Yer not gettin nuttin for that
Bloke: Ah come on, pleez
Slapper: No.

After loads of persuasion, and seein' it's a recession, she agrees.

Afterwards.
Bloke: Shit if I'd known you were a virgin I'd have given ya €100!!!
Slapper: If I'd known ya had €100 i'd have taken me tights off

A jewish son asks his father for 5 dollars.

"4 dollars? I dont have 3 dollars! What do you want 2 dollars for?"

heres a dollar
Go share it with your sister

What do you call an epileptic in a vegetable patch?
Seizure Salad

(Sorry if this offends!)

suits your name and avatar!


(Im not offended btw )

This thread should be a sticky

Whats the only animal with a cnut halfway up its back?




A Garda horse

Paddy englishman, paddy irish man an paddy scottish man walk into a bar, barman says; "This some sort of fcukin joke"

During a tour of Jerusalem on a state visit to Israel Brian Cowan suffers a heart attack and passes away.The undertaker tells the Irish diplomats accompanying him, 'You can have him shipped home for €5,000,000, or you can bury him here in the Holy Land for just €1,000.'


The Irish diplomats go into a corner and discuss this for a minute.They come back to the undertaker and tell him they want Brian shipped home. The undertaker is puzzled and asks, 'Why would you spend €5,000,000 to ship him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only €1,000? With the money you save, you could help pay back some of the deficit, improve your hospitals or help the elderly.'


The Irish diplomats replied, 'Long time ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can't take the risk'.

My girlfriend got sick of all the bullying so she finally took a razor to herself to end it all.





It worked. The namecalling stopped since she got rid of the moustache.

Charles Haughey, George Bush, and Vladimir Putin all die and go tohell.
While there, they see a red phone and ask what the phone is for.
The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth but that calls can be expensive.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes.
When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a millionEuros, so Putin writes him a cheque

Next George Bush calls America and talks for 30 minutes.
When he is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 10 milliondollars, so he writes him a cheque.

Finally Charles Haughey gets his turn and talks for 4 hours.
When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is 5 Euros.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil
why Haughey got to call Ireland so cheaply.

The devil smiles and replies:
"Since Cowen took over, the country has gone to hell, so now it's only a local call....



A driver is stuck in a major traffic jam Dublin on the M50 motorway round Dublin.
Nothing is moving.
Suddenly a Garda knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What's going on?"
“Pensioners down the road have kidnapped Brian Cowen, Brian Lenihan, Mary Harney and some senior bankers.
They're asking for a €30 million ransom, otherwise they're going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire.
We're going from car to car taking up a collection."
"How much is everyone giving, on average?"

"About a litre."

The Australian gold coast surf competition has just been won in controversial circumstances by a little Japanese man on a wardrobe.