Any Good Jokes Lads? Options

[mossey0708]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.
A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: 'Hello'
WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?'
MAN: 'Yes'
WOMAN: 'I am at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?'
MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.'
WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new Models. I saw one I really liked.'
MAN: 'How much?'
WOMAN: ' $ 90,000'
MAN: 'OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.'
WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $ 950,000'
MAN: 'Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $ 900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand if it's really a pretty good price.'
WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!'
MAN: 'Bye! I love you, too.'
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.

He turns and asks: 'Anyone know who this phone belongs to?'

[Jaxzer]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.
A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: 'Hello'
WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?'
MAN: 'Yes'
WOMAN: 'I am at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?'
MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.'
WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new Models. I saw one I really liked.'
MAN: 'How much?'
WOMAN: ' $ 90,000'
MAN: 'OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.'
WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $ 950,000'
MAN: 'Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $ 900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand if it's really a pretty good price.'
WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!'
MAN: 'Bye! I love you, too.'
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.

He turns and asks: 'Anyone know who this phone belongs to?'

(IMG:style_emoticons/default/laugh.gif)

[Flano]

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.
The mother leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification. After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied... "Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"

[Shane]

Angela Merkel arrives at passport control Dublin Airport.


Officer: "Nationality?"


Merkel: "German"


Officer: "Occupation?"


Merkel: "No no, just visiting for a few days"

[vrs_vec]

‎3 men got captured by female savages and are told their dicks would be removed in a manner appropriate to their jobs.
1st fellow worked as a lumberjack so his was chopped off..

2nd guy was a butcher so his was sliced off.

3rd guy started laughing and the females asked what was so amusing?

He replied " I work for Dyson" (IMG:style_emoticons/default/laugh.gif)

[Jogger]

My cock was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records once.

But it really pissed off the librarian and she kicked me out.....................

[Project B5]

Two guys knocked on my door yesterday,
They asked if I would like to donate to the new swimming pool that was being built....



.......so I gave them a bottle of water!!

[ColinMk4]

Paddys wife gave birth to triplets..
How in gods name did that happen? Says paddy..
His wife replies,remember that night i was very dry and we had to use 3 in 1 oil?
Bejaysus says paddy im fcukin glad we didn use wd40!!

[anthony]

just ordered an invisible baseball bat off ebay



the wife wont know whats fucking hit her

[ColinMk4]

SCAM WARNING:
At the local supermarket while packing shopping in ur car you may be approached by 2 fit 20 year old east european girls,in tight shorts and tiny tops. They wash ur windscreen wit there tits hangin out and then ask for a lift to the next supermarket as payment. On the way they strip and go down on each other. Then one climbs in the front wit you and s**cks you off while the other nicks ur wallet!!
I had mine stolen on monday and tuesday twice yesterday and again today...
Be carefull...

[DonalM]

My friend's shagging twins, who both like it up the rear.

I asked him, "how do you tell them apart?"

He said "oh that's easy......

..... Sally's got massive tits and a nice shaven fanny,

and Derek's got a moustache and massive hairy balls".

[Anders]

My friend's shagging twins, who both like it up the rear.

I asked him, "how do you tell them apart?"

He said "oh that's easy......

..... Sally's got massive tits and a nice shaven fanny,

and Derek's got a moustache and massive hairy balls".

... (IMG:style_emoticons/default/blink.gif) (IMG:style_emoticons/default/laugh.gif)

[MINIVINNIE]

A judge working a double-homicide case tells the defendant, “You’re charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.”

“You bastard!” yells a voice from the back of the courtroom.

“You’re also charged with killing your mother-in-law with a hammer,” says the judge.

“Bastard!” the same person yells.

The judge addresses the man sitting in the back of the courtroom.“Sir, one more outburst and I’ll charge you with contempt.”

“I’m sorry, Your Honor,” says the man. “But I’ve been this bastard’s neighbor for 10 years, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn’t have one.”

[DonalM]

Being told that they discovered a cure for dyslexia was like music to my arse.



I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.



My Chinese neighbour died the other day and nobody turned up for his funeral.
Unbereavable.

[Jogger]

I just got robbed at a ESSO petrol station. I called the gardai and they asked if I knew who did it.

"It was pump #5," I said

[The Undertaker]

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

[The Undertaker]

In the men's room at work, the Boss had placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it -- "Think!"

The next day, when he went to the men's room, he looked at the sign and right below, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read -- "Thoap!"

[Micky 32]

A 93 year old man is sat on the kerb crying, a passerby asks "What's up?"

The old man moans "I'm 93, married to a 21 year old swedish underwear model who wants sex twice before breakfast and again at lunch, once before tea and sucks me off twice again at night!"

Passerby says " What's the problem?"


The old man replies " I can't remember where i f*cking i live!"

[Shane]

(IMG:http://i.imgur.com/ukBUf.jpg)

[babyface]

definition of an Irishman…’complicated piece of biological equipment for turning Guinness into piss’.